Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer

and the most recent big, angsty, I'm depressed but relieved about this but homesick and lonely and trying to sort my life out update............


I just did what I think is the right and most kind thing to do for both of us. I sent Ryan an email saying I did not think there was a future for us and that maybe we should have some space for a couple months to continue to deal with that.This decision was based on a couple things, the most important thing being that I thought about it very long and very hard for awhile and it goes around in circles but I keep coming back to my head saying its just not right and other's counceling me that relationships aren't supposed to be this hard- and Ryan and I was always a struggle, a lot of that was the long distance but even when I was in Orlando, it was always a lot of work. Anyway, there was a little part of me that wondered if this could change and his professions of love and devotion had a strong effect on me but then he called me 3 times this weekend. I called him back on sunday and knew right away something was off. So I asked him "You're with your girl, aren't you." Yeah, sorta he says. Then he says he wants to talk but later, after fringe because it requires all his attention and he felt guilty talking to me while out with Donnelly- fair enough, but he's the one who called me 3 times and then he acted like I was the one who wanted something from him. And I take issue with someone you are the only person they want to share their life with, but then maybe we could talk in a week or something. Bleh. It's not a big thing at all, but the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I can't be spending my focus and energy on this relationship anymore. It takes up so much of my energy worrying it over and trying to make the right decision for myself and I realized-I'm not living in the present again! I'm not focused on playing the horn and this is an extremely important time for me to be focused on the right things. I have my final recital (scary!) in a week and my Master's Concert (scarier) in a month! What am I doing being depressed over Ryan and trying to figure it all out. I need to do what he always did so well- focus on myself!So maybe an email wasn't the best or nicest way but I think it was the necessary way. We've talked about all of this before and it goes in circles-this email is clear and he can't argue me out of it or cry again to make me feel guilty or put me off for a week. bleh. I feel awful about this but I also feel relieved and like I've shead a heavy weight. I did love him very very dearly, but in the long run I still believe we would not have made each other happy.

In other news- I miss you Orlandians and my family. I'm so very homesick and I will try to come home for a visit soon- although its more likely to be a visit to New England because thats where the family will be, and my grandmother's 80th birthday, and one of my best friends from boston is having a baby shower, all in August. So that's the plan- dependent of course on getting a job and being able to take a week or something in August!

We're waay behind here...

I was not posting about my personal life on here because I thought I could hurt someone's feelings, but I miss this outlet and he's probably not reading it anymore so here's what you missed! (if there is even a 'you' out there haha)

April 21, 2008
so in typical fashion Ryan decided 5 days ago that he will never love another woman and he wants to get back together and move to London for me- so what do you think honey?Holy Bombshell Batman. This is in between telling me about the girl he is seeing but since tuesday has refused to kiss because he came to this conclusion. And that he is telling his friends it is basically a definite that he is moving to London- what if thats not what I want?! Not to mention we haven't talked for the last month really! Men sometimes. They confuse me. I do miss him, but I am having a pretty good and important time figuring my life out independent of relationships. Sure I'm dating too- some guy that I see once a week and sends me an occasional text asking if I got home ok and how my week has been. Not emotional bombshell man who can't talk to me on the phone without crying. I just don't know how to handle this. We have so much to sort out first before we even decide if we could get back together much less- ok hon I'm moving to London in October- k? wanna sort out a place for us to live?That is oh so much stress. What if he moves here and it doesn't work?! Scarily I was moving more more towards the idea that he wasn't the right guy for me..... so confused.

whew- ok I feel a little better. Just needed to vent a bit so I stand a chance of sleeping!