Follow the yellow brick road-

Wow there's been a lot going on. Time to try sorting it all out in my head and get it organized enough to write some of it down, rather like a spring cleaning where you alphabetize your cds and books and hoover up the many crumbs from eating your meals in the living room 5 minutes before running out the door.

I survived my Master's project, it could even been construed as having been a success! WOW. Thank heavens. I had the most fun drinking that night ever! There was dancing in the ballroom sense and then in the cheek to cheek sense (Ella, the Eary Years has a new special place in my heart now) and there was failed popcorn cooking and private confessions and lots and lots of drinking until about 5am. Naturally, I then popped out of bed at 10am starving and calling everyone up for our traditional hangover brunch at our local greasy spoon! So much fun.

Following the evil hangover of Sunday and the bad idea to go to the classical Funfair (the festival that health and safety forgot! hah) and then walking all over the local parks and filling out queasy bellies with yummy Italian food and in general doing a lot of 'why did we do that....right cause it was FUN! Then there was the major hustle and bustle of showing my family all the best parts of London and surrounding areas.
First we went to Dover Castle- situated right of the famous White Cliffs of Dover and dating from the 1st century, of which all that remains is the roman lighthouse- but still WOW! It was very very beautiful and not too touristy and there were very few people- which always appeals to me. It was however on the top of a giant cliffs and we walked all the way up to the top from the valley below carrying the contents of a delicious picnic- we had some tired feet I tell ya! We finished off our Monday by heading back to London and straight to the pub where we played a truly miserable pub quiz hahah but had some good socializing and laughs anyway.
The next day in London was one of the most beautiful and hottest so far this year here. So we very slowly dragged our asses out of bed and the hour journey to the far west side of London to go to Kew Gardens, the Royal Botanic Gardens. Predictably it was lovely and very interesting (although I wish we could have gone in the Spring when all the trees would be in bloom!) We did go up into the Canopy Walk which I highly recommend. At this point it was very tired out and we made our way back into the city to have a quick dinner and then went to see the musical Wicked, which was long but wonderful.
Wednesday we indulged our very tired bodies a bit and slept in, then went down the hill for traditional British Fry Up at Cafe Lemon and on into the city where I took them to the John Soane museum. He was a famous british architect (who was architect to the Bank of England for 40 years) and his house is probably the trippy-est thing you've ever walked into! he designed it around natural light so there are no lamps or lights anywhere (obviously during the day only) but to accomplish this since it is a house of 4 floors- there are light wells everywhere and holes in the floor to let in the light. Very strange but very very cool. Besides this his house was essentially a dumping ground for the British Museum (just around the corner) and has things like the Sarcophagus of SETI I from 1370 BC (!) and the Rake's Progress in his sitting room. We wrapped up the museum-ing with a quick trip to the British Museum (mostly because of exhaustion and time constraints was it quick) and had a quick look at the Rosetti Stone and a few other choice artifacts. Then homeward bound to meet all the friends for a delicious curry and a natter. We followed up the curry with more drinking at what will be my new home in a month, as I am moving in with some friends: John, Hayley and Dave but still in the same area.

It was a lovely trip and I am terribly sorry to see everyone go! pout pout. but now its time for me to concentrate on all of that finding a job and writing my paper stuff. At least my life has simplified a little, if not become less stressed.

Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer

and the most recent big, angsty, I'm depressed but relieved about this but homesick and lonely and trying to sort my life out update............


I just did what I think is the right and most kind thing to do for both of us. I sent Ryan an email saying I did not think there was a future for us and that maybe we should have some space for a couple months to continue to deal with that.This decision was based on a couple things, the most important thing being that I thought about it very long and very hard for awhile and it goes around in circles but I keep coming back to my head saying its just not right and other's counceling me that relationships aren't supposed to be this hard- and Ryan and I was always a struggle, a lot of that was the long distance but even when I was in Orlando, it was always a lot of work. Anyway, there was a little part of me that wondered if this could change and his professions of love and devotion had a strong effect on me but then he called me 3 times this weekend. I called him back on sunday and knew right away something was off. So I asked him "You're with your girl, aren't you." Yeah, sorta he says. Then he says he wants to talk but later, after fringe because it requires all his attention and he felt guilty talking to me while out with Donnelly- fair enough, but he's the one who called me 3 times and then he acted like I was the one who wanted something from him. And I take issue with someone you are the only person they want to share their life with, but then maybe we could talk in a week or something. Bleh. It's not a big thing at all, but the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I can't be spending my focus and energy on this relationship anymore. It takes up so much of my energy worrying it over and trying to make the right decision for myself and I realized-I'm not living in the present again! I'm not focused on playing the horn and this is an extremely important time for me to be focused on the right things. I have my final recital (scary!) in a week and my Master's Concert (scarier) in a month! What am I doing being depressed over Ryan and trying to figure it all out. I need to do what he always did so well- focus on myself!So maybe an email wasn't the best or nicest way but I think it was the necessary way. We've talked about all of this before and it goes in circles-this email is clear and he can't argue me out of it or cry again to make me feel guilty or put me off for a week. bleh. I feel awful about this but I also feel relieved and like I've shead a heavy weight. I did love him very very dearly, but in the long run I still believe we would not have made each other happy.

In other news- I miss you Orlandians and my family. I'm so very homesick and I will try to come home for a visit soon- although its more likely to be a visit to New England because thats where the family will be, and my grandmother's 80th birthday, and one of my best friends from boston is having a baby shower, all in August. So that's the plan- dependent of course on getting a job and being able to take a week or something in August!

We're waay behind here...

I was not posting about my personal life on here because I thought I could hurt someone's feelings, but I miss this outlet and he's probably not reading it anymore so here's what you missed! (if there is even a 'you' out there haha)

April 21, 2008
so in typical fashion Ryan decided 5 days ago that he will never love another woman and he wants to get back together and move to London for me- so what do you think honey?Holy Bombshell Batman. This is in between telling me about the girl he is seeing but since tuesday has refused to kiss because he came to this conclusion. And that he is telling his friends it is basically a definite that he is moving to London- what if thats not what I want?! Not to mention we haven't talked for the last month really! Men sometimes. They confuse me. I do miss him, but I am having a pretty good and important time figuring my life out independent of relationships. Sure I'm dating too- some guy that I see once a week and sends me an occasional text asking if I got home ok and how my week has been. Not emotional bombshell man who can't talk to me on the phone without crying. I just don't know how to handle this. We have so much to sort out first before we even decide if we could get back together much less- ok hon I'm moving to London in October- k? wanna sort out a place for us to live?That is oh so much stress. What if he moves here and it doesn't work?! Scarily I was moving more more towards the idea that he wasn't the right guy for me..... so confused.

whew- ok I feel a little better. Just needed to vent a bit so I stand a chance of sleeping!

Sigh

I have decided I MUST lose me some weight. Looking at pictures is just waaay too depressing. Maybe its time to try some southbeach again...
The weather is getting nicer so getting exercise will be more pleasant. It's my hope that if I write this here, it will mean I will stick to it. we'll see. If there is one thing in the world I lack, it is conviction. If I do ONE thing on this "diet" it will be: not eating pizza or chips or crisps. That is my rule...oh and no more non diet sodas. Just gotta remember to start slow.
sigh

Passions

We've come to the end of the bad that was my life for a bit. I'm on vacation, about to have a party, just went to Copenhagen with my father, able to pay rent for the month of April, applied for a job at the Academy that would enable me to stay on here another year and pay for it too and other than this week with Dad, have been very inspired on the playing horn and practicing front! This past term was full of emotional upheaval but it all seems to have come out well, for the most part.
Prince Charming and I have split up for purposes of independence and less stress. It is sad and I miss him very much but I also feel a load was lifted and I was suddenly able to accomplish all the educational and emotional stuff I needed to without the stress of a long distance relationship and he seems to be doing the same. It's very good. As I said, I miss him but I think this is going well. I am however very very ready for this party tonight so I can get sloppy drunk and turn off my thoughts for an evening.
I have had a very cultural week with my Dad visiting. After taking in a concert of Rachmaninoff's Symphony No 2 and then winning a pub quiz (at a pot of 125 pounds-woot!) We jetted off to Denmark. There we did canal tours and lots and lots of walking. We went to the top of The Round Tower which has an observatory in the tippy top and we looked through to see Saturn, rings and all! We also went to Roskilde, which is the original capitol of Denmark. There is the Viking Ship Museum which houses some thousands year old Viking ships that were preserved in the ocean-sooooo cool. They've also built many replicas as these ships gave them so information about how they were made that no one had known before. Also in Roskilde is the Cathedral that houses 38 of their deceased royalty. There were some very fancy sarcophagi! Back in Copenhagen we also went to the Royal Arsenal Museum and saw probably around 400 canons and various other weaponry. whoa. All in all a very awesome trip. We returned to London where we saw Penelope Keith playing a marvelous Lady Bracknell in The Importance of Being Earnest. Dad has now headed off to the airport and his absence is very noticeable although it is nice to have my space back. Although of a fairly grumpy nature normally he was very happy and excited the whole trip. It was really a lovely lovely time!
And now to party time!!! Happy Easter!!!!

Passions:

The reading of the Passion during Holy Week dates back to the fourth century.^[1] It began to be intoned (rather than just spoken) in the Middle Ages, at least as early at the 8th century. 9th-century manuscripts have "litterae significativae" indicating interpretive chant, and later manuscript begin to specify exact notes to be sung. By the 1200s different singers were used for different characters in the narrative, a practice which became fairly universal by the 15th century, when polyphonic settings of the turba passages began to appear also. (Turba, while literally meaning "crowd," is used in this case to mean any passage in which more than one speaker speaks simultaneously.)

Not Dealing

I have a lot of shit going on right now, possibly a little more than I can handle and I am frustrated with people who on one hand say, oh of course that's so hard for you, and then in the next sentence tell me how much I am sucking at life. I don't deserve all of the slack in the world, but geez maybe a fucking sliver of it would be nice! At the same time, I acknowledge they are right. I am being a very selfish person right now but to be honest I think it's what is holding me together. Why is guilt such a wonderful gift everyone is always so eager to bestow. I apologize to all of you people who are upset with me right now. I know I am not being a very good friend and it sounds pathetic but please please please give me a few days to sort myself out before pronouncing judgments on me about my worthlessness and selfishness.

aw- I miss Maine.

You know you're from New England if...



-your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May.

-someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there.

-you use the word "wicked"

-you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

-you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.

-you know that the things you need to start a campfire are matches, newspaper, tinder, sticks, fuel logs, and spent motor oil.

-you find a snowmobile as a reasonable means of transportation for 4 months out of the year.

-you consider 65 degree ocean water "warm."

-all of the potholes just add excitement to your driving experience.

-if your car is parked outside because your snowmobiles get parked in the garage.

-chocolate sprinkles will forever be known as "Jimmies."

-"Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

-you've been to Cape Cod.

-you can go from one side of your hometown to the other in less than 15 minutes and see at least 15 losers you graduated with doing the exact same thing they were doing the last time you saw them.

-you keep an ice scraper in your car year 'round.

-you've been to Six Flags New England.

-if you know that its not really "Six Flags New England"... but "Riverside".

*you know what a whoopie pie is.

-you measure distance in hours.

-you know what "Shaw's" is.

-everyone in town over 50 goes to Florida between October and April.

-you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

-you think Vermont has the best skiing in the World.

-you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

-you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

-you know what a bubbler is and you drink soda and pop someone in the face.

-you stay on the same road long enough, the name will change atleast 3 times.

-you go to camp every year.

-you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

-you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

-you refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."

-you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

-the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80, and everybody is passing you.

-you could own a small town in Montana for the price of your house.

-there are 25 Dunkin' Donuts within 20 minutes of your house.

-driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

-you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

-you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

-you find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

-you've ever gone candlepin bowling.

-you think 3 straight days of 90 degree weather is a heatwave.

-the transportation system is known as the "T," subway is just a fast food place.

-your town or a neighboring one has a rotary/circle/roundabout.

-someone says "Patriot" and you immediately think of the football Team.

-a Crown Victoria = undercover cop.

-you keep tire chains in your car at all times.

-your first motorized vehicle with four wheels was an ATV.

-you have ever put studded tires on your street racer.

-Sox-Yankees games are a life and death matter.

-there is a town green in the middle of your town.

-you refuse anything but real maple syrup.

-you regularly drive on roads that are as narrow and windy as a deer trail.

-you have ever missed school due to "Mud."

-you can choose exactly where your Senator sits on a political party map... Democrats on the Left, Republicans on the right... and that one little white dot in the middle is where our Senator sits.

-you ever have been asked in a school hallway if you have Duct Tape on you.

-you think if somebody's nice to you, they either want something or they are from out of town and probably lost.

-you get pissed off when people assume New York is part of New England.

-you actually understand these jokes

-you've skipped a day of school to go to the Big E, or... you've taken a field trip to the Big E

-the first day after winter that's it sunny outside, you roll down all the windows of your car and pretend its summer, and even though its still 30 degrees, you refuse to roll up your windows.

I'm having a bad week to put it lightly. First, I was mugged by a guy on monday who among other persuasive charms also had a 5 inch blade to help convince me to donate my cash and mobile to him. That's a bit of a mind fuck, especially considering it happened right outside my flat. Makes me a bit apprehensive about walking home late at night which I am frequently required to do because of rehearsals or work. I resent that this man has messed with my life and the way I live it- he has taken some of my innocence and reacquainted me with how violent and shitty the world can be and trust me, I knew that before.
Well the world has decided that that isn't enough to deal with in one week, nope its not. I found out this evening that my great-grandmother, who I loved very deeply passed away yesterday. She was 90 and we expected to lose her sometime, but you are never prepared for death and for losing someone you love. All I want right now is to be about 5 years old and able to crawl into my mother's lap and have her stroke my hair and to feel safe. Or barring not being able to go back in time, to be held by someone I love to make me feel safe- but that apparently comes with its own set of disappointments which I won't go into here. I do wonder about that old saying of bad things come in threes, so what's next for me? I'm not loving the world right now.

Canto Serioso

So yeah I moved my blog to this address (from www.americangingerinthebigsmoke.blogspot.com ) Very exciting huh? HA. It was just too long before.

So hmm its been awhile and life has been story worthy as usual, but I rarely think my everyday life would be interesting to anyone, well but me and my boyfriend, he's required by law to be interested or at least by sexual contract... SO here's the quickie blow by blow (teheh) version. I went home for Christmas and had a wonderful time with the family and the boyfriend and the best friend who came to visit too. I was completely and utterly surrounded by people who love me. So, it was hard to come back to London with the rain and the regular work schedule. I find myself feeling wholey antisocial. But, it rather coincides with this new eagerness to not suck in my studies, which have amazingly taken off very well.

I've been given principal (1st) seating in everything I've been assigned to this term. Even a concert with Sir Colin Davis conducting! gee wiz! So really life is going well. It's waay past time my horn playing starting falling into place. I notice about myself and others that we do things completely in our own time. Now, some people NEVER get it done and I was very worried I was one of those. But come to think I've had that worry my whole life. About developing, about socializing even about reading. When in second grade I remained banished to those horrible books with cardboard pages still, while the rest of the class leaped forward with books that had Chapters! I was so horribly embarrassed I didn't even read the cardboard books because I didn't want my peers to see me. It seems I do the same thing with practice. I'm so embarrassed about my level of playing and feeling it should be higher compared to my peers that I don't practice, in fear they'll hear me and hear how bad I am. But not practicing doesn't exactly make me any better! Well, I just turned a corner and took that invisible next step and everyone seems to be impressed with my playing just now. Interesting. I don't remember doing anything different. But I guess I stood back and watched and absorbed long enough so now I can walk out and not make as many mistakes as those I saw before me. I just do things at my own pace and I need to accept that. It's nice not being at the back of the pack anymore and I hope it follows my reading curve which saw me at the back of class and then one of the most accomplished and voracious readers of my class all in one year. Fingers crossed.

Canto Serioso is a piece composed in 1913 by Danish composer, Carl Nielson for horn and piano. "The canto is a principal form of division in a long poem, especially the epic. The word comes from the Latin cantus, meaning "song"." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canto